...Une Femme Peut en Cacher une Autre...

2011-02-10T15:17:00.001-08:00

2011-02-08T22:24:00.001-08:00

2011-02-08T11:07:00.001-08:00

S.M.

2008-05-13T08:22:00.000-07:00

Living with the thought of someone from the past whom you're so accustomed to being taken care of still constantly in your head, is like being stuck with a shadow that doesn't belong to you - It shouldn't be there but it doesn't go away, and because it's so natural you sometimes don't even notice it.

It's as if everywhere I go you're right behind, every song I hear, every film I see, everything I eat, there's an emptiness that makes me wish over and over again that you were here to do all these things with me to make them complete, tangible, connected to real emotions to make them proper memories...but you're not, and that's the difference. Every boy I want to love doesn't compare - I can almost see you smirking, and it frustrates me all the more because we both know we're not meant for anyone else.

Did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
How I wish, how I wish you were here
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year

Running over the same old ground...What have you found?
The same old fear
How I wish you were here.
How I wish you were here.

But honestly, if I had a choice, I'd chose to forget you.

2008-04-22T02:16:00.000-07:00

I want to blog, but there is too much I can't say.

Everything I do is to keep myself distracted. I photograph, work, play piano, read, go shopping, photograph some more...anything I can to not have to deal with What I Found Out.

What is time? Time is a way to measure and organise sequence of events. I did this before that at this o' clock. That's all it is. Someone a long time ago constructed the idea of time, and someone a long time ahead can denounce it. Just like that.

When you stop caring about anything constructed by man, only a few things ever matter. Everyday you see people caring about the silly things, the worthless things, and you wonder how they do it.

I keep asking myself, is it better to know nothing and happy, or to know that you know nothing, and be dissatisfied?

I've chosen the latter, but I don't know if it was such a good idea after all.

Bonjour, tristesse.

Korean boarders can kiss my ass

2008-02-09T03:54:00.000-08:00

I don't know about everybody else, but I love being alone. I need my indepedence and my own space, and love doing things that don't need other people's participation like playing the piano, reading, taking photos, going to art galleries....it's probably one of the things I miss most about being in Sydney.

Over there its so easy to just take a train to Circular Quay and take photos, or spend a whole day at the MCA without being bothered by anyone, no one rings you over and over again on the phone asking where you are, no whiny little kids tag along with you everywhere you go...here its the total opposite - we have two boarders staying in MY room sleeping in MY bed eating MY food drinking MY bloody coffee watching tv in MY living room so I never can practice piano. My stuff is all over the house, in bags and in suitcases because THE STUPID BRATS FILLED UP MY CLOSETS AND SHELVES WITH THEIR STUFF!

As if that's not bad enough, they're always taking showers so there's never any hot water left, they don't even ASK my family if we want coffee when they happily make it for themselves, at meals they don't bloody help with anything, they don't set the tables, don't pour the water, don't get the rice, just bloody sit down and wait for our maid to serve them as if she's their bloody slave, they never unlock the toilet door when they're done, they don't do their own bloody laundry, and they don't even fucking offer to pay when we take them out for meals...

..but the worst is yet to come - one of their mum's is here to visit, she didn't bring any presents, nor did she have the fucking decency to ask us if she COULD come to visit...oh, and they don't even pay board. My mum agreed to let them stay cos one of their dads is a friend of my mum's, and the initial agreement was that they'd stay til the beginning of January, and while I don't mind not having my own room for a few weeks, its bloody February now and they still haven't left....

They want to stay til March.

Fucking freeloaders. I don't like to swear and I don't like to say mean things in public but this is well justified - they're in their late twenties and they're acting like 15 year olds...at least then I'd understand, but I'm ten years younger and even I'm disgusted. Brats.

2008-01-25T01:17:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone,

I'm back!!!! Missed me???

*crickets chirping, tumbleweed rolls past*

Not that anyone reads this anymore, but I decided its time I get some of my thoughts down in writing because all this vacationing and mamaking and shishaing is turning my brain to slush - its at the point where I can't even sleep anymore.

Anywho, as I write, everything's kinda surreal. I've been writing to the UN, trying to get them to give me an internship, but it appears that UNAM, the local branch of it, is next to dormant. I'd considered contacting Amnesty International Malaysia, with whom I'd get a job for sure because of my experience with AI in oz, but then decided not to because do I really want to spend another year writing letters and working with hippies trying to change the world but have no idea how to do it?

No. I love and support Amnesty and always will, but don't really think I wana tie myself down to it.

So then completely randomly, this morning I got a call from some company (I have no idea what it is) who wants to pay me RM2K to be their HR Administrator, which is just stupid since I have no experience in it whatsoever.

They wanted my resume by this afternoon, but then I thought "Oh dammit but I really want to work at KLue," because, well, I really wana work at KLue. I started reading it since issue 28, and its at like issue 111 now...thats commitment baby.

I even rang them and everything about positions available and they still said there were some so I thought, hey, why not, I'll send my resume to BOTH KLue and stupid RM2k company and see what happens, and that was about 20 minutes ago, so I guess we'll just have to see what happens =)

2007-12-24T17:07:00.000-08:00

So I had this looooong blogpost prepared about how guys should never EVER lead girls on because it leads to alot of drinking that some girls know from experience should not ever be carried out because of their rather petite frames....

...But I won't, because I'm not jealous or sad or anything, I'm just happy, not happy for the motherfucker but happy because I've had a great week with someone who's got a bigger placei n my heart than this guy will ever be, but I wish I felt something remotely negative so as to be able to make some sense of this all.

This tim next year I will be Kimberley Low, A.Mus

2007-12-04T05:29:00.000-08:00

Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to announced that I have, after months of 4 hour stretches tickling, hammering and carressing the ivories, finally sat for my grade 8 piano exam...

and I passed.

without even fully learning my first piece.

without even mastering my appregios.

without knowing a thing about my composers, having forgotten all the history crap I learnt 4 years ago*, because despite all that I managed to nail my Gershwin and Chopin pieces RIGHT on the head...

...in short, I am a genius, and hereby rightfully crown myself the Queen of Last-Minute Preparation.

The feeling is so indescribably liberating, it feels like all the weight I've been bearing for this past year has finally been lifted off and I can now bloody breathe. In fact, I'm still high from the whole thing...really, I am!

Ok well, to digress, I'm actually bored out of my brains. Already. Most of my friends have left for overseas and while its less than 2 weeks til its my turn, its hard keeping sane watching daytime tv and getting fat on cream cheese, but what else can I do? Everything costs money and money is what I'm trying to save.

Ah well expect a long and analytical post about how this past year has gone for me, I can safely say its been the shittiest year of my life and cannot be more glad that its over.

*During general knowledge section of the practical exam,
Examiner: Name me three keyboard instruments from Bach's era.
Me: *mind goes blank* Um...the clavierchord, the organ, and....um...
Examiner: Oh come on, its the biggest one of all....
At this point I'm like, there's something bigger than the organ?
Me: um...the pipe organ?
Never have I ever felt like more of an airhead than that very moment. Actually, I still don't know the answer and am too embarassed to ask my teacher, do you?

2007-11-28T07:09:00.000-08:00

I miss roti canai

I miss nasi lemak

I miss teh o ais limau

I miss nasi goreng kampung

I miss keropok lekor zomg zomg keropok lekor *drools*

I miss curry laksa

I miss prawn laksa

I miss assam laksa...

...I miss all kinds of laksa

And I miss KLCC and The Curve

I miss the Loft

I miss both the Coffee Bean and Starbucks in Taipan

I miss playing pool in ss15

I miss all that food in Asia Cafe

I miss Sunway Pyramid and its cheap cheap piercings

I miss One Utama

I miss walking around KL, especially late at night spending half an hour trying to catch a taxi

I miss mamak culture

I miss Asian Heritage Row, even though its so 5-minutes ago and no one goes there anymore and really, who cares?

I MISS SHISHAS BEING EVERYWHERE

I miss buying avocados at the vege shop next to Val's pharmacy for a stupid expensive price because in Malaysia, avocados are practically unheard of

I miss going past my old schools and wondering what happens there now

I miss watching movies at Sunway Pyramid at midnight

I miss Subang Parade, even though that place is like 2353647 years old, I miss the MPH there and buying every single aeiou brand wrapping paper because they're soooo pretty and having so many rolls that we have to make cupboard space

I miss my old bed I've had since I was 9

I miss my old bathroom with the raised ground in front of the sink cos when I was a kid I wasn't tall enough to reach

I miss lying on the sofa in my living room with the windows and sliding doors open

I miss playing badminton in our garden

I miss our maid's cooking

I miss my mum's cooking

I don't miss my dad's cooking

I miss Vietnamese rolls on Saturday afternoons

I miss family.

But I know that, after a maximum of 3 months there, I'll start to hate it, I'll hate the traffic, I'll hate the humidity, I'll hate how the humidity gives me pimples, I'll hate the shitty broadband, I'll hate the rude people, I'll hate the mysterious KTM trains that only show up once every 3 years, I'll hate how everyone there is thin and it pressures you into losing weight, I'll hate the kiasu attitude, I'll hate the stupid stupid politicians,

and I'll want to leave again.

2007-11-24T21:05:00.001-08:00

I'm writing this post because I want to record how the weather is making me feel right now.

So far I don't think there's been a day like this this spring. Indoors, its warm but definitely not sweltering, perhaps about 29 degrees, just enough to get your blood flowing nicely but not to the point where you'd sweat.

Its not windy, not at all, and the result? An inexplainably calm but certainly not lazy atmosphere. If I could, I'd be lying on a quiet beach and just enjoying this strange strange mood, but I guess this'll have to do.

I've been on the piano for the past 3 hours practicing my exam pieces (next Saturday's the big day) and half an hour ago, finally finally after months and months of aching hands, tears, pedantic attention to the dynamics, feel and tone of every single note, I managed to play my Chopin waltz, from start to finish, absolutely perfectly, and I think its perhaps due to the mood the day's tepid climate has put me in.

The feeling you get when you've mastered a piece like this which requires so much finesse to make it look so easy is...indescribable. As you play each note perfectly, you're overcome with this growing sense of surprise and satisfaction that, in the end, leaves you literally breathless and stunned because you'd never thought you'd never make it to this point - its surreal to say the least.

"Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that's all you know, and all you need to know."

My Favorite Mistake

2007-11-16T07:04:00.001-08:00

I really hate when people are wiser than me.

From my whole life, I've probably met..two? three? Lets say two, two people who I'd readily proclaim as worthier and deeper and wiser and practical and certainly far more knowledgable than myself, and I hate what happens to me when I'm around them - the incendiary chemistry scares me. I feel so small that I don't want to say anything, certain that anything I say won't be good enough, and I will always be two steps behind but at the same time I'm happy to be merely stepping on the ground they've stepped on.

And so there you have it, its the reason why I'm what my piano teacher calls a 'good student' - I have this superfluous need to satisfy the idea of perfection held by my teachers because its from there that I draw my sense of self-assurance in terms of both intellect and integrity...

Anywho the whole point of me gibbering about this is because a few days ago I spent an afternoon with one of these two people whom I hadn't seen in what must be a year for rather selfish and unamiable reasons, and not having had this feeling of being extremely small for such a long time, the distant but not unfamiliar sense of being predictable and not better than the other person came back instantly, and I had no choice to not only swallow my pride but throw it out altogether.

But then this person told me something dreadful, and I lost both my speech and appetite despite the delicious beer and salt and pepper calamari we were sharing. The speech came back, but up til right now the appetite is still MIA. It took me a rather long and zigzagged talk with my piano teacher to make sense of how I was feeling, what I should do and how much I should allow myself to dwell on the situation. Up til then, all I'd felt was the sick feeling you get in your stomache like when you'd done something bad unintentionally when you were a kid in primary school.

And thats when I realised that this feeling of being small isn't really, well, a feeling of being small afterall, but caring so much for a person that romantic love wanes in comparison with that rare spiritual connection you have, and its both scary and exciting at the sametime when you're looking at and recognising such a thing.

Its 2.28 am now, I haven't eaten all day and got something like 3 hours sleep last night so excuse my babbling, you probably don't get it and trust me netiher has anyone else, but its just nice to be able to articulate and make sense of your state of mind without having people throwing back irrelevant advice.

2007-11-15T12:56:00.000-08:00

Went to bed at 12 last night but didn't fall asleep til 2.30, woke up at 6 and couldn't fall back to sleep...

I haven't felt this fucked up in months and I don't even know how exactly to put it into words

So I won't.

Why I Kick Ass

2007-11-02T08:11:00.000-07:00

Every now and then you get so caught up in work, that you forget the things that truly bring meaning to your life.

Lately, I've pretty much completely forgotten about photography because of stupid exams and work and piano (not that I'm dissing piano), but a few days ago I scanned in a new set of negatives and voila, je me suis souvenu le raison qui m'a fait aimer la photographie:

2007-10-26T08:03:00.000-07:00

Not many people know this, but I constantly beat myself up whenever I don't perform to my potential. My laid back approach and confidence in everything I do doesn't stem from arrogance or ignorance, but from understanding the true extent of my capability.

Most of the time, I deliver, especially when its from the heart, which is why I enjoy piano and photography so much - they require such a level of originality, sentience and pedanticism only the spiritually aware posess; the pursuit of perfection is almost never ending, and while it looks so easy, the dedication you have to force yourself to give is unmatched.

But on the number of occasions I can still count with the fingers of just one hand, I'd allowed myself to slip somehow, and when it happens I get miserable, angry and just plain depressed - I hate myself more than anything else in the world and can never forgive myself. And it looks like Monday might very well be one of these very rare occasions, and my pride will not let me forgive myself anytime soon if I don't perform.

I don't know if you know what its like to be told constantly, all your life from the day you were born by parents and teachers, how talented or smart or clever or creative you are - no, I'm not doing the whole poor-tortured-soul thing, but like it or not it HAS shaped the way I perceive myself, for better or for worse, and the way in which I've challenged myself in so many things out of my area, just to test my ability. I've cruised through my entire schooling life putting in not even half the effort as others who'd achieve as well as me, accumulated countless trophies, medals, awards, certificates...and until last year I'd never seen any reason to try - the less I try the better I do, it seems.

And so I guess the fact that I've actually started to CARE about what I learn academically is what's turned me into the emotional wreck that I am tonight. I've been told over and over again how well I'm expected to perform in Monday's society and culture exam and in turn I've pressured myself in not just believing it, but wanting to hit that magic number too.

And so I dug up all my notes, spent days and nights gathering theories, statistics and articles, analysing them and finally I'd put them into an essay - and as a result my immune system's crashed; I'm sneezing, coughing, feverish and just plain shitty. But by yesterday I had a brilliant essay, and the lengths I'd gone to to deliver it to my teacher to get it marked were ridiculous, including getting from my place to school in 14 minutes (usually a good 25 minute drive) , driving at 140kmph in order to catch him before he left.

So why am I so bothered right now?

Because I don't have the fucking essay back.

I asked two, not one, but TWO people to help pick up the essay for me because I've been too sick to do anything remotely useful, and none of them did - one of them even agreed profusedly when I'd asked.

In other words, I have no essay to study and rework.

I won't know if what I've written is good enough.

I won't know what to study.

Even if I do study everything, I won't have the time in the exam to turn it into a brilliant essay.

I can't even write fast.

In other words, I won't hit the 90s in a subject I am the most ardent about scoring high in, and I will not only disappoint myself but my teacher and my mentor who both know how willing I've been to gun this.

Its not that I'm blaming anyone, I have no one but myself to blame and I'll get over it I guess...eventually...some time in the next decade....but for now, depending on if I'm able to somehow brilliantly score a hundred percent in this thing or if I freeze and forget everything I have to know...I just don't think I'd be able to live with myself. And the worst thing is being fully aware of the fact that I've put myself in this position, and knowing just too well that no amount of regrets and what if's will fix anything.

I am, quite literally, my own worst enemy.

2007-10-06T09:57:00.000-07:00

Here's a serious question: if its bad to discriminate against people for the colour of their skin, would it be just as bad to discriminate against them for their level of intellect?

Because I know I'm guilty of the latter, and I'm not too proud of it either.

And don't you have when you realise that you've intellectually surpassed your parents?

It's scary.

Oh and also, what do you think of individualism?

I was thinking, right, that its pretty much the root of all evil. Here's how it works:

1. Individualism emphasises on the differences between people/individuals, therefore making people not only prejudiced but also selfish.

2. People like to blame their own problems on those that are different from them.

3. People also like to generalise.

4. Therefore these prejudiced and selfish people will make (usually) negative sweeping statements on groups of people based on their differences, which then leads to the conflict and war and political pettiness thats happening today, when really, in the words of the great Tyra Banks, "You change the world by helping the person right next to you."

5. So perhaps if individualism was not a priority in the first place, then hate and greed wouldn't be such a big issue in the first place. Seriously, when was the last time you were encouraged by the authority to celebrate the things you have in common with each other as opposed to the "good" things about yourself that make you "special"?

I guess this is all pointing to communism and socialism, but then again there are a million reasons why those won't work either but thats another story for another day...

---------------------------------------------

Last weekend I went for an Amnesty International Student Conference, and I cannot tell you how valuable I found it.

---------------------------------------------

In a few weeks I'll be done with exams, done with school, done with !@#$%^ maths....so I need a list of things to do to keep me from staying home and watching tv all day.

Get a job for xmas season that's enjoyable AND pays well...I'm thinking hotels or photography studios?
Save enough money to buy me a ringflash, fish eye lens for my holga, and a new colour flash because I left my old one in darv's car and it got sent to the mechanic's after it broke down on the way home from La Vie en Rose and then it went missing and oooh, its absolutely dreadful.
Give half my clothes to charity/auction them on eBay....there is literally no more space left in my wardrobe to fit them. Seriously! I have no idea where they come from...
Use that money to buy lots of tickets for lots of gigs ^^
Learn Spanish and/or Arabic.

PIPs and Tears and Pain

2007-09-18T01:40:00.000-07:00

So by now we have all established that the reason why a person has not blogged for a long time is because he/she has been busy, and as such we shall not waste more precious typing energy on obligatory apologies to imaginary conversation partners etc.

Right.

Now for the important stuff: There are less than two weeks of school left, EVER, and I cannot be relieved. I can't believe its taken THIS long for school to be fun, now that we have philosophy group discussions.

By the way, this is me in my Kebaya on Heritage Day at school:

We made $296 from selling fried ice cream and, in perhaps the cleverest, novellest, low-cost gimmick ever, a faux-egyptian mummy people could take pictures with for just $0.50.

I'm also one of the two people getting a major works award photography, and one of the eight getting one for society & culture (aka sociology)...I AM EXCITED!

Honestly, its not even the glory and blablabla that matters, but just getting awarded for all that hard work and fake interviews and trying to squeeze into the 6000 word limit and late nights spent sitting by the highway and early mornings taking the train up to Katoomba and mailing questionnaires back and forth between here and M'sia....*phew*.

Thank you Kevin, Melissa, Haqeem and Penny for all the help, even if half the questionnaires didn't make it back. (Yeah, Malaysian snail mail is very efficient like that)

As for photography? Bleh. I need a break from it. I was given a sheet citing my work and blablabla...I read the first sentence and couldn't stomach anymore.

Mum is coming on Friday. =D

Black Princess

2007-08-31T19:17:00.000-07:00

She stepped outside and took a seat on the posh sofa, the sweet smell of ganja infilterating the air as the moon radiated in its allegoric glory.

It shone red tonight.

Inside the bar, earnest, mellow reggae played as people danced. She pulled out a cigarette, attempting to light it in defiant determination against the wind. As she did so, a beautiful man stood next to her, watching intently at her effort with a sympathetic, almost condescending smile on his face...she couldn't tell if he was high, or simply fascinated.

The cigarette finally lit, and she took a long, much awaited drag, leaning against the wall. The beautiful man, still watching, drew in an involuntary gasp with an expression she could not decipher.

"What is it?" she asked, guarded but not hostile.

"Nothing...its just that as you were lighting that, the flame looked like a tear rolling down your face, like you were sad."

He gently touched her cheek with the back of a finger and kissed it, all the while looking straight at her. Remembering his friends, he gave her a smile and went back inside.

She took another drag and looked up at the big red moon, wondering to herself how he could have ever known.

Word on the title: "Black Princess" is a song by Jamaican reggae artist Jah Mason, who played recently in Sydney.

2007-08-28T05:17:00.000-07:00

You know, even after all this time I still expect you to turn around and say that a couple of months is nothing and so you'll wait for me, since neither of us really buys the whole passage of time thing anyway.

Little Wing

2007-08-24T07:02:00.000-07:00

I'm performing Beethoven's Sonata 26 on the 6th of September.

Eeeek!

This is one of the rare times in my life that I'd admit I'm nervous; I havent memorised the whole thing yet and I can't even play the last variation. Not only that, just the way I play the theme is not up to scratch; I don't like how it sounds but I don't know exactly how to fix it and normally I can fix anything. =(

And its not just any old performance...its the friggin Beethoven Festival. There'll be hundreds of Beethoven fans there waiting to shred my delivery to bits...and zomg what if I forget the whole thing half way??

Anywho I found some old photos courtesy of my never-cleaned-out-harddrive and Nicole's blog; I really need a new haircut.

With Nina and Denise, at the movies recently.

Shh I know I look really gay here. That's my sister Jasmine.

A very lame attempt at making it look like I'm carrying the Harbour Bridge; I don't know why my nostrils are flaring..

School photo day somewhere in March.

Grr goddamn Sarah and her big boobs.

I swear my face has changed over the past year. Maybe its true that your face says alot about your true self, and maybe my true self is not my true self that was a year ago?

(Don't listen to me, its late and I am rambling.)

I duno, I just feel really worn out all the time. Honestly? I've been scared and worried alot - you can't help it when someone close to your heart my very well pass away in the next couple of years.

And also I'm sorely lacking the companionship of the only kindred spirit I've grown to find comfort in;

I hate how its all about timing.

But above all, its all that SCHOOL and MATHS. Honestly. I can totally guarantee that without it, my life would be a hundred times easier.

Or maybe I just need to go for some salsa...

...oh yeah, I can't afford it, I put all my money into maths books and other insignificant-on-the-scale-of-things-but-so-ridiculously-costly school crap.

Its a never ending circle. Pffft.

...ACTUALLY, I'm vegetarian

2007-08-13T01:05:00.000-07:00

The top FAQs for the modern day 18 year old vegetarian:

Do you eat chicken? No.

What about fish? NO. And if you eat chicken and call yourself vego...don't.

Does it make you lose weight? haha no.

Who got you to turn vego? I HATE this question. I stopped eating meat after I'd made the choice to live a life that is ethical, compassionate and RESPONSIBLE, and I also did alot of reading. You don't just suddenly TURN vegetarian because someone tells you to...but oh yeah then again I guess thats what humanity's been dumbed down to.

Doesn't that mean there's like nothing to eat? No, on the contrary, you discover a whole new world...=)

How can you give up all that food?? Its simple, each time you sit down to a big hearty roast beef, remember that it was once alive too, and they choice you made to eat it contributed to its death.

Do you miss meat? Nope, I actually tried to have some just to test myself, and sure enough it tasted gross.

How did you stop?? I just started to think about the choices I made and why I made them...just say no. =)

People often argue against the ethics behind vegetarianism.

Well ingrained in most people's mentality is, I guess, the rather Christian perspective that animals have no soul, that they're meant to be eaten, that the deep fried chicken wings are already dead, so its ok. Worse yet, I get questioned alot about my decision not to eat meat, because people think that at my age, girls get brainwashed into it, or worse yet they blame the "hippie" mentality, which is just testiment to how readily people will write off a culture different to theirs, just because its different.

And so they immediately assume that if you're a vegetarian, there's something wrong with you, that you're somewhat lacking in the health department, that you eat crappy food, that you must be one of those psychotic PETA people that hijack models on runways...that you've got your priorities wrong. I mean, its only natural, right? Its everywhere, and since everyone's doing it, there can't be anything wrong with it.

Honestly? It puzzles me as to how you can call yourself a true human being without considering the denial of life YOUR habit imposes upon other creatures. You wouldn't eat your pet dog, but its perfectly okay to wolf down big chunks of chickens, cows and pigs every day.

Ever asked yourself why?

I guess its easy to go, "OOoooh but meat is so tasty, there's no way I can stop eating it!" , but in my opinion, if you TRULY and HONESTLY believe that endorsing the killing of animals for your own short term pleasure is really THAT important to you, then you probably don't understand the essence of life.

And believe it or not, its the same reason why people keep eating junk food, drinking Coca Cola etc etc even when we know its bad: merely because its everywhere.

True happiness starts from going beyond the idea that your existence is more sacred than others. Once you get past that mentality, it just gets so much better in every single way - your conscience, your health and, to an extent, your hit pocket.

Just remember: ITS ALL CONNECTED. You're more in control of your world than you think. Its one thing to be smart, pretty, handsome, popular, rich...but without a clear conscience, its worth nothing.

PS...Not that I'm pushing, but if you have any questions, feel free to ask. =)

Technology is a btich

2007-07-22T04:16:00.000-07:00

oh. my. god.

-Part One-

We went all the way to Paddignton see La Vie en Rose today, and to the Lomoshop to try and get my colourflash fixed (it doesnt go off even when its charged up).

Found the Lomo shop after 10 minutes of going round in circles but...it was closed!

We thought, "Ah, thats ok, we'll come back again."

Went to Paddington cinema, and... turns out the movie started half an hour before we got there!

We thought, "A, thats ok, we'll just go to Newtown."

Went to Newtown, made the movie with 5 minutes to spare, sat down, watched the movie and was thinking the whole time,

"oh man this was soooo worthit!"

THEN, halfway through, just as we got to the part where Edith Piaf was discovered busking while drunk,

BAM!

The movie stopped,

It went pitch black...

and there was a blood curdling scream!

....no not really. =P

But really, the power had gone out.

THE WHOLE SYDNEY REGION.

We thought, "Ah, thats ok, this is so exciting!

"Oh, its just another terrorist attack," quipped a smartarse.

-Part Two-

On the way home, we were running low on gas but JUST made it to the petrol station.

The second we left, something smelt funny and, sure enough, ten minutes later the hood started smoking, the engine was making noises and the accelerator wouldnt work.

So we pulled over, popped the hood, and sure enough, the car was dead.

All we could do was call the NRMA, and wait.

Guess what we were thinking at this point?

"Technology is a BITCH."

Spending half an hour by the M4 highway on a freezing Sunday night, the day before I have a 6000 word assignment to hand in is not cool, not cool at all.

Sigh.

You're only a day away.

2007-07-19T05:55:00.000-07:00

The idea of "tomorrow" is always so comforting.

Like right now, its 11pm and I'm toiling away bit by bit through a 6000 word essay, but its ok, cos tomorrow I'll hand it in and I know I'll do well and I'll be very proud and maybe I'll win an award for it;
tomorrow I have a piano lesson, and I always enjoy those;
tomorrow I'm not working cos I don't work fridays anymore...(more social time at the expense of wages? maybe not such a smart choice);
and tomorrow night I'm spending the evening with someone who gave up his poker night to see "La Vie En Rose" without knowing who on earth Edith Piaf is.

Ah, tomorrow. =)

2007-07-18T06:10:00.000-07:00

1. One of the things I miss about M'sia is being close to all that action.

2. The PIP on M'sian democracy is due Friday, FINALLY, after over 7 months of research and interviews and reading and reading and reading and whining about it, ITS DUE.

3. 2 of the 4 sets of questionnaires I got people to distribute never made it back to me. I don't know if its just me, or does M'sian government intervention have something to do with this? Maybe they want to arrest me just like they did to Nathaniel Tan. He's my hero ^^

nb: I don't REALLY think the M'sian gov would give a rats ass about my project, I mean, its not like they're obnoxiously disprespectful of civil rights and liberty or anything, and I'm sure they'd want an academic paper in favour of true democracy in M'sia, even at the expense of the EXCELLENT international reputation of the government, to be published.

4. I really want everyone to read my PIP!!! Alot of crazy mind-bending analysis and research results in there...

5. Ch-ch-check this out, though I don't support Liberal NOR Labor:

6. Other than that, I've had Arcade Fire's Neon Bible on repeat, every day. Thank you Nic!

7. TO be honest I was kinda disappointed that no one bought me 'House of Leaves" for my birthday.

8. Nor those cool big ass pink headphones.

9. Driving test number 4 tomorrow! ...though I MUST point out that I didnt actually SIT for the first two so they don't count.

10. I think I will stop watching tv completely. Just watching the news made me depressed today; perhaps I shall limit my tv viewing to the Wednesday nights 8.30-9.30 timeslot...there's House, Spicks and Specks, the Chaser, AND that documentary show I watch alot.ARGH.

11....and the most exciting news of all, I'M ENROLED IN THE ELECTOREAGJHNARGNT THING!

12....actually, the most exciting thing would have to be: I'm starting salsa again! wooooooot!

New Caledonia, ca me plait bien

2007-07-11T06:03:00.000-07:00

New Caledonia is AMAZING.

I think I'll move there or something. My head is still thinking in french so my english is coming out funny...

Seriously though, I love it, the people, the mixed cultures, the mountains...breathtaking.

I just got back this afternoon, am way too tired right now so shall put up some photos tomorrow. I took 3 cameras with me: a digital, my Holga and a Ricoh SLR....the digital pictures so far are pretty crap.

So maybe next week when I get the film ones printed.

Also I bought a Gossip Girl book in french...thats right. Very clever of me I must say.

Alors c'etais un peu difficile au debut pour changer d'anglaise a le francais, mais je dois dire que apres un peu de pratiquement avec la famille d'accueil, je l'ai trouve tres facile. J'ai parle avec beaucoup du monde et donc j'ai appris beaucoup....La meilleur aspect de la Nouvell Caledonie? LES GENS! Ils sont tres tres gentiles, tres laisse faire comme les malaisiens....peut etre ce que la raison que je l'aimais bien ?

mmm.

Melbourne Comedy Fest Roadshow

2007-06-29T20:15:00.000-07:00

(disclaimer: blogger is giving me the shits. No matter how many time I press spacebar between the paragraphs, it won't seperate them which is why I'm using gay colours to seperate the paragraphs.)

gah I am SO hungover..and I never get hungover. I really must switch to light beer.

ok, so why am I writing about being hungover?

(yes thats a very sad way of creating suspense, I know I know)

well, last night was the Melbourne Comedy Festival Roadshow at Newtown-cum-Kim's first night out since her 18th. This meant that I could now stop freaking out with paranoia everytime I buy an alcaholic beverage or go to a pub/bar/club, in case I get asked for I.D. 'Tis a good feeling!

The MCFR is a HUGE deal, they tour extensively all over Austalia after the melbourne comedy fest itself, and feature the best local and international comedians...This year, they're even going to...

guess where!...

Its not in Australia...

Its somewhere in Asia..

Nolah not Malaysia lah...

wait for it....

....

...SINGAPORE!

WTF?! I know, I know.

But yes, on to the roadshow, I went with Sarah and Darvid, two of THE best things to come out of my time at St Marys Senior...and they're both Lebanese which is a lovely coincidence.

To be honest I didn't think the comedy was that great. Me and sarah are BIG fans of comedy and the first 3 acts were mediocre to say the least.

The last 2, however, were AWESOME.

(Ok well actually I don't know how great they really were cos I'd had a bit of VB by then and found anything funny. )

Anyway here are some pictures. Pleeeaase do NOT judge my photography skills by them, they were taken with the crappy old digital with a stupid manual focus function, so do excuse the bluriness of some.

At the start of the night, everything was well and good, and here are Sarah and myself in her car..She has a 2003 VW Golf!

Sarah waiting for pizza. I'm not exactly the biggest fan of pizza, but after scouring enmore road for the best pizza joint, we found it! Parino's is the name I think; we weren't disappointed.

We had an awesome half vegetarian gourmet with mushrooms, eggplant, sundried tomatos, herbs, cheese, and the other half was seafoood...it was large and we nearly finished the whole thing! The seafood one was kind of crap so all the left over bits are the seafood.

BAHAHAHA, sarah looks funny. Btw it was held in the enmore theatre where everything good is shown, and 1500 people showed up which is crazy for stand up comedy.

Second attempt, this time me and Darv look like shit.

At this point we kinda gave up.

Halfway through, I decided it was a good idea to have a drink because I wasn't finding any of the comics funny. This was, as you can see by the rouge tinge in my complexion, not a good idea. After the show, Eddie Ifft (yes that is his real name) was signing autographs...so me and darv jumped in to take a photo.

HAHAHAHAHA

THE BEST PHOTO EVER!

Eddie's autograph. American comics are usually crap, bar eddie murphy and robin williams. Their humour is less sharp, more lame...I prefer the brits. Ah well, Ifft was great though.

So yes, that was my Melbourne Comedy Festival. 'Twas an awesome night...

...and not to forget the obligatory Japanese tourist pose =)

New Caledonia in 4 days!!!

days days counting the days

2007-06-25T05:49:00.000-07:00

4 more days to the Melbourne Comedy Festival with Darv and Sarah
6 more days til my birthday party
and 9 more days to New Caledonia!

C'est beau la vie!

(Also 5 more weeks til trials but lets not discuss that.)

Today I went onto Last.fm, a site alot of so-called music enthusiasts go to for new and refreshing music...or so they say.

The way it functions is you type in a certain band or artist that you like, and it comes up with a list of other bands and artists it thinks you'd like. Fair enough, so first I typed in "Jack Johnson" and they gave me Jason Mraz, Ben Harper and Dave Matthews band. Like, DUH.

Then I typed in "Broken Social Scene" and they gave me The Shins and Clap Your Hands Say Yeah....

I gave up and went back to my copy of Q Mag.

And yep, you saw it coming, here's a short playlist for June:

"Valerie" by Mark Ronson and Amy Winehouse. Mark Ronson is GREAT.
"America" by Razorlight..I just only discovered this band. I've been reading about them for ages in Q wondering wtf the fuss is about, can't believe it took me this long.
"I Feel it All" by Feist, as in Leslie Feist, the occasional vocalist for one of my favorite bands on earth that is Broken Social Scene
"Three More Days' by Ray Lamontagne
"Water" by Blue King Brown
"Must I Paint You a Picture" by Billy Bragg. Warning, people either love or hate Billy Bragg, and this song towards the end gets murdered when a mediocre female vocalist comes in and (tries to) steal the show. Mr BB has got one of those British-wanker-ish accents that show oh-so strongly even when they sing. I love it, but apparently not too many else do.
"Heart of Glass" by Nouvelle Vague
"Fluorescent Adolescent" by Arctic Monkeys. THEY'RE BACK! A bit late, I know.
"Icky Thump" by White Stripes...THEY'RE BACK TOO!!
"Keep the Car Running"by Arcade Fire. Yep I'm still listening to it.

Ok, back to analysing language techniques for English. Sigh.

CALLING ALL MALAYSIANS

2007-06-24T01:51:00.000-07:00

Man, finding a politically aware Malaysian who also happens to have a skype account is harder than you think.

I really need more interview material for my PIP...are YOU a politically aware Malaysian? Do you have an internet connection and a mic? would you like to be interviewed for a sociology research project? It'll only take 15 or 20 minutes, and don't worry, I won't publish your name or details or anything in the finished product.

If so, please please PLEASE leave me a comment or email me at lowjeanhee@gmail.com ...if you don't actually know me its ok, all the better. And it doesn't matter if you're Malay or Chinese or Indian or Chindian or Malay-Chinese or Indian-Japanese or whatever...the bigger pool of interivewees, the broader view I get.

And excuse me, yes this post was purely and solely an advertisement.

In pursuit of perfection

2007-06-15T06:57:00.000-07:00

There is nothing in the world like the pursuit of perfection.

Forget happiness...not that its not important, but its not hard to find.

Perfection, in the mean time, is a killer.

As any semi-driven pianist or any other artiste will attest to, perfection is GOD. Its the reason why, despite an annoyingly long list of things to do, you sit down for 4 or 5 hours on end at the piano. But you dont start with the music; first you start off with basic scales, then 3rd aparts, then 6th aparts for fluency. Then on to some double octaves and appergios for accuracy, then you move on to some Hanon for technique, maybe number 10, 25, 28 and 58 being the important. After that, you do some dimished chord stretches to get the fingers agile and flexible and...

before you know it, one hour's gone by...and you haven't even gotten to the actual music.

You spend the next 2 or 3 hours reading, practicing, memorising all this wonderfully beautiful and lustrous and rich music you wonder how anyone on earth could ever come up with such mangificence. Each time you play it, you discover something new, like maybe if you used the pedal on so-and-so note it'll totally change the mood, or maybe if you make the bass ever so slightly clearer, the piece will sound way better. you get to a point where you tihink, ok, i cant do anymore to make it any better than it is..

..and then you remember what you forgot. EMOTION. The piano is such an emotive instrument, you forget to throw your heart into it after focusing on technique that much.

And so you close your eyes, play it again one more time, this time with FEELING, and its...

bliss. You feel it all throughout your body and you know you've hit gold, and the next time you have a lesson you play it and your teacher is gobsmacked.

Ah, perfection.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...

....I'm performing Beethoven's Sonata Opus 26's entire first movement at some festival!!!

And you should be there! =)

2007-06-11T19:08:00.000-07:00

I really miss my mummy.

If I had a photograph..

2007-06-10T00:47:00.000-07:00

Photos!

Test shot from a photography assignment.

Me and Marc on Nicole's birthday.

wet hair.

Hehe I look soo korean here.

Me, Tash and Owais. I LOVE this photo, its perfect in every single way: I look hot and so does Owais, and you can't see tash's face which is how she likes it. good job nicole!

Me and Narm at work.

My school is very multicultural, there are kids from over 70 different nationalities, and more than 50 different languages are spoken...its such a crazy experience on days like Heritage Day. But anyway here ae some candids from school on school photo day:

old pic from when I had long hair, and yes I know I look skinny here but its just the pose and the dress really. =)

Another old one with The Times from Rock The World 6. Or 4, I can't remember. I LOVE this picture, I was such a bandchaser back then. I wonder if they're still together.

Disclaimer: this is a very long post that you might not get but I just wana get it out anyway so read at your own perril.

Sigh.

You know, months after I lost all the photos on my computer, I still get really depressed about it. All I have to do is think about all those amazing times I got to capture on camera but then let slip because of a tiny little technical error and I start bawling my eyes out again.

YES, you heard me, I've cried about it.

I took sooooooo many photos, must've been about 300. Personally I take photos cos I forget things that happen really easily even though I don't want to...so in they're place I'll describe them, and then you can imagine what they look like:

-Tuk-tuks in bangkok

-at the crocodile and elephant place where they did really mean things to the crocodiles so I took videos and was gona send it to PETA

-these poor tigers that were chained up for people to take photos with, also was gona send to PETA

Back in M'sia:

New year's eve celebration at the Curve

get this: I went there with penny, her toyboy, and vinod, and when we got there me and vinod lost penny and her toyboy but it was ok cos we bumped into shane and alex, then we lost vinod so it was me, shane and alex, then 5 minutes before the countdown Akmal called and turns out he weas there too so I went to him instead and we counted down and watch the fireworks together. Then after that akmal had to go but it was ok cos I found shane and alex again and so we went home together....and these were the EXACT SAME PEOPLE I spent last year's new year's with, totally by coincidence too. ^^

Camwhoring photos with Val who loyally came with me to the hospital and put up with my driving almost everyday when mum was sick.

My little sister and brother's first day of school...sooo friggin cute, the uniform was too big for jasmine cos she's tiny, and the pants too tight for justin cos he's FAT. Oh and pics of me and Val too

Korean BBQ at hartamas with Amelia, Wei Keong, Dinesh and Eugene...this was the best! After dinner we went to a mamak and smoked aLOT of shisha, and it was wei keong's first time...hilarious.

Hanging out with Alana in KL, going to Petaling Street, having dinner at Starhill, camwhoring with Loic the night we meant (aah priceless photo.) Coming to think of it, I might've printed it out while I was back in M'sia and kept it in my room. Here's to hoping no one threw it out!

Pictures with Loic who's very unphotogenic.

And the most heartbreaking of all, the week leading up to the Rain concert...the really funny Korean crew, the other translators, Rain himself...basically the whole concert setting-up process.

Seriously, do you know how many girls I could've made jealous by showing off those photos?

MILLIONS.

Literally millions.

Sigh. I guess memory will have to do for now.

2007-06-09T05:41:00.000-07:00

Today at work, while fulfilling the universal waitress's obligation to take snaps of customers at their tables for some Spanish tourists, I found out the hard way that "salut", while meaning "hi" in French, also means "cheers" in Spanish.

Me: Ok, one, two, three, smile!

tourists: *big smiles* SALUT!

Me: *totally forgets about taking the picture* VOUS ETES FRANCAISE??

Tourists: *smiles are replaced by looks of empuzzlement* huh?

Me: oh I thought you said "salut" as in hi..

Tourists: ummm...salut means cheers in spanish.

*uncomfortable silence while I tried to think of something to mask the embarassment*

Me: OH ok! ANYWAY, SMILE!!

Tourists: SALUT!

sigh. Je ne parlerai plus francais avec les hommes etranges.

Les grandes questions

2007-06-08T07:01:00.000-07:00

1. I had a crazy experience a few days ago. I dreamt that the next day I'd forget to bring my english essay to school, and that my teacher would be ok with it, and then she'd write down her 2 email addresses on a piece of paper and give it to me.

...and thats EXACTLY what happened the next day.

2. The other day in Society and Culture, I was calmly explaining to the class why men have testicles. It was nothing controversial nor radical, I was simply stating a biological fact when, before I could even finish, this really religous girl started going nuts and yelled at me for saying "something like that in public."

Her reason?

"I'm christian, ok! Don't say that kind of thing to me! I don't wana hear it! lalalalala!"
*covers ears and runs out*

Honestly by the end of it, I don't know who was more bewildered, me or her.

(The reason, if you didn't know, is because the heat of the human body is far too hot for sperm to survive and therefore an outer 'segment' is required to produce and keep sperm alive. I'm surprised at how many people don't know this!)

3. The big questions in life (and some of my personal input):

Why do smart people make stupid choices?

Why are some people luckier than others?

What's fate and how does it work?

How on earth do you decide between an obligation towards others and obligation towards the self?

Why do coincidences happen, and what are we supposed to do with them?

How is it that people are so ready to think negatively of others without finding basis for proper judgement?

How is it that billions of people live their lives according to the numbers on a clock? Does the linear concept of time we obey and trust so much even make sense?

Was man really created in the image of God?
(actually, I know the answer to this...man was so arrogant that they created god in the image of MAN. God is a concept irrelevant to our present being. I'm not denying the existence of God, just that we shouldnt be pondering it so much and devoting our lives as much as we do. Example, if God DID exist, would he rather us spend our sundays in a building singing songs of worship and listening to other people preach, or would he rather us spend it, say, feeding the hungry and doing things to better the lives of the more needy? I rest my case.)

How on earth is it that a huge ass portion of the world is made to believe that "having faith" and not quesitoning their beliefs is good enough?

Why does love always pop up at the right places, wrong times?

Actually, what IS love?

If I am a tiny little fleck of nothing on a tiny little planet in a tiny little system existing in such a big, unfathomably huge space, why do I feel compelled to do so much?

Why do airheads run the world?

Why do people write shitty annoying pop songs?

Is the world really turning worse and worse, or is media growth just showing us whats already been there all along?

And perhaps the most mind boggling one of all:

Why did I pick 2 unit maths?

Democracy Schmemocracy

2007-06-03T03:25:00.000-07:00

I'm writing my PIP, a socio-research project into the Malaysian government and political climate.

I've done 5 interviews, 80 questionnares, read dozens of books and articles, and...

Honestly?

Screw Barisan National. Its tri-racial coalition is a big washed-out, yesterday's-news, racially insultive joke and in fact, its whole system is a big fat load of cowardice propoganda when they have stupid laws like allowing students from Chinese and Indian schools to transfer to Malay schools but not vice-versa, and I think Malaysians are frustrated enough now to see through it.

Its time everyone looks past racial lines. Malaysia wants to be a developed country, so its time it starts acting like one. Who cares if you're Malay or Chinese or Indian? Does it really matter in the end? And its not like the minorities have much of a say anyway.

The way they use the whole "you're being unpatriotic if you protest against the government" thing, far out! We're not stupid! Don't insult your own citizens!

And they wonder why the country's intellectuals go overseas and don't wana go back.

"Ask yourself if you love your country enough," wrote Peter Yap on youthmalaysia.com.

If you do, don't just sit by and watch.

Vote the opposition, have some faith. Don't be swayed by BN's distractions and propoganda. And no I'm not talking about PAS.

Speak out, take action, and believe in change.

Here we go!

2007-05-27T06:07:00.000-07:00

My to-do list for the next two weeks is crazy:

-Plan Thursday's sausage sizzle for Amnesty

-Contact the UNHCR (yep thats the UN High Comission for Refugees!) about donating the money to the Iraq Appeal and, I duno, hopefully get some publicity for the school or something

-Pester Penny to mail me back the questionnaires for my socio research on Malaysian democracy

-analyse questionnaires

-STUDY MATHS (omfg i hate that subject, why did i pick it? WHY??)

-Plan my photography assignment - I've got the concept, now's the execution. I've decided I'll ask Alana, Darv, Adi, perhaps Ben...Nina, Ngazim and Abbey have already volunteered, so thats...TOO MANY GIRLS, NOT ENOUGH BOYS! who else can i photograph?

-hey you! live in sydney? wana be photographed?

-Mail bubble-bath crayons to my bro and sis

-GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE so that I can drive to Newtown with sarah and darv for the melbourne comedy fest roadshow which is the weekend after my birthday ^^

-write my PIP (6000 word socio research), its due in...OMFG ONE WEEK!!!!!!!

- save up for New Caledonia in July

-write a resume to apply at Nicole's work

-ring up Akil, Nick and I-dunno-who-else-maybe-someone's-dad-or-mum for interviews for abovementioned socio research

As you can see, if I don't go mental by my birthday (which is in 4 weeks), it'll be a miracle.

Good luck Kim, here's to reaching 18 alive. =_=

Democracy? Say wha?

2007-05-24T04:14:00.000-07:00

As alot of you on my MSN/GoogleTalk list know, I'm doing a research project on Malaysia as a democratic nation. I've handed out gazillions of questionnaires, gotten help from everyone from my ex-schoolmates to a uni professor, and shall also be conducting 2 or 3 interviews.

Not only that, I've also done hours and hours and hours of reading up on the topic. But so far, all I've got to show for it is just an introduction and a chapter plan. Why?

It all boils down to one question: How exactly does one, taking into account not only the appropriate context and history of a country but also the original , ancient Greek "rule by the people" concept, measure democracy?

My hypothesis states that the Malaysian form of democracy is increasingly inappropriate in its multicultural context. In layman's terms, it means that Malaysia, with its racial and religous biases, does not live up to true democracy. And I say 'increasingly' because like it or not, more and more of the younger generation are voicing their dissatisfactions with the way things are.

Now, I could go on for pages and pages of what I think, but I'm saving it for the 6000 word finished product of which anyone can get a hold of to read. And the best way to approach this is to start off with an open mind.

My question right now is, what do YOU think of the matter? Are the way things work in Malaysia justified, taking into account both history and future prospects? Would things be better if it were a liberal democracy a la the west?

Please DO drop me a comment even if I don't know you, I'd love to know what you think, and I just might make it part of my research findings. =)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

p.s. I DIDN'T GET MY LICENSE. I'm so bummed. This is rock bottom guys...I didn't even SIT for the test; I was late! How idiotic can a person get! I know, I know! I've re-scheduled for 7th of June and then I'll make sure I'll get there half an hour early. argh.

2007-05-20T05:46:00.000-07:00

This is MY blog, I can put up as many photos as myself as I want.

You have to admit, they're kinda cool...candy colours and all.

Anyway, the next time you'll hear from me is when I get my driver's license on Thursday. ^^

Hey Tambourine Man

2007-05-08T04:36:00.000-07:00

This one's for anyone who's ever fallen for the right person at the wrong-est possible time, and you've sort of accepted the odds and went, ok, I'm gonna have to make a choice here and maybe it just wasn't meant to be...but at the same time, the romantic in you refuses to give up and you find you didn't quite let go in the first place...

Everyday, as I ride the bus home, I think of one thing and one thing only.

As the bus reaches my stop, my heartbeat quickens. I press the buzzer, and as it comes to a halt, I try to fight off the big goofy smile on my face as I anticipate what may be in a matter of minutes.

First I attempt to keep my cool, walking only slightly briskly. But as each step takes me closer and closer to home, my heart races and by time I reach the front door, the brisk walk'd have turned into a sprint. I feel like a little girl running for her favorite barbie.

I fumble for my keys, let myself in, and head straight for the computer...

I double click on the firefox icon on my desktop...could today be the day...?

It pops up, and I key in the letters www.gmail.com...I mean, its ONLY been a month and a couple of days...

I sign in, my inbox opens and I see the contents..

..and I can't help but sigh; nothing from you. Its funny because, just then, on the radio Bob Dylan declares that "It ain't me, babe, it ain't me you're looking for..." My god, what is this forlorn teenage feeling?

And so I take a shower and get on with the day, a little disappointed, but, you know, maybe you're busy, maybe your computer crashed, maybe emails aren't your thing. Its hard to explain, I miss your presence but I don't pine for you; I still think of you but its ok if things don't work out between us. As they say, if you love something, you let it go.

Maybe like Fatima and Santiago in the Alchemist, some things are better left to the future.

And who knows? Maybe tomorrow will be different.

In photos.

2007-05-05T06:34:00.000-07:00

So, here's what I've salvaged so far from The Lost Photos. I've been meaning to sit down and properly write about my experiences while in Thailand and KL in december/jan/feb for so long, but not having the right images to go along with them after losing them all to some stupid electronic glitch just completely ruins the experience and motivation to do so (I took about 200 photos)...MUST STOP REMINDING SELF OF LOSS!

Ah well, here's a few. When people talk of experiences they'll treasure forever, I can honestly say I had dozens of them thanks to the people I met and spent time with and voila, here are a few of them.

First up is me and Alana on Petaling Street; her mum came too and my gosh, it is THE funniest thing to put two Aussies who've never been surrounded by noisy asians before in the middle of Chinatown.

This is me and the lovely Moon Young (who was also a translator) backstage at Bukit Jalil Stadium during the Rain translating gig I did, and as you can see, we were...er...hard at work. Its so fascinating watching everyday as a concert stage gets assembled and not only that, but also being able to watch the end result. For sure I laughed my head off (I don't handle cheesy pop music too well), but 'twas an experience nonetheless. =)

At Nikko Hotel at 8 am after a 4 am bed time thanks to prolonged mamak stall/drinking/city haunting sessions with all those crazy Koreans; the biggest bitch was probably the sleep depravation.

There is nothing funnier than a Swiss guy with a French accent waving a translator pass for a Korean popstar, telling naive, tudung(hijab)-clad girls that he's the translator and thus receiving impressed oohs and aahs from everyone within earshot (and tsk-tsks from the rightful and evidently more sensible owner).

Can anything compare to being there to witness and share your little sister and brother's hallmark moments like their first ever elephant ride (even though it took quite some self-desensitisation since I'm not too keen on the domestication of wild animals)?
Hardly anything at all.

More elephants. This photo and the one below were taken for I guess more artistic purposes; the one below is purely to show off my panning skills =)

...and thats all! I DO have quite a few Holgas, but they're more artistic than documentational. But not to worry, here's MORE photos!

About 2 weeks ago I attended a march/benefit concert against the Howard government's Workplace Relation Laws which basically took away alot of worker's rights.

It was pretty crazy, something like 30,000 people showed up to express how much of a, um, wanker they think the prime minister is....
...and some really inspiring musicians like Missy Higgins, the Screaming Jets, the Whitlams played. As much as I believe that rights are worth fighting for, I don't know if yelling abuse about the Prime Minister (even though I think he's an idiot) is quite the way to go, and at the end of the day there are more dire problems in the world...but thats another story altogether.

I attended, really, because I was given a free ticket, some of my favorite people attended, and.... the Herd played..THE HERD PLAYED!!!!

One more time, in case you didn't read...THE HERD PLAYED!!!

On my right is my cousin Yoon Joung who's visiting from korea and has never seen anything like a 30,000 strong protest in her life, let alone been part of one. On my left is Darv who loves the Herd probably a little bit more than I do. ^^

And that wraps it up. There's more but I'll save it for another day, I'm sleepy and an art assignment awaits!

Get up, stand up, and I love you my babies

2007-04-27T09:02:00.000-07:00

Man, going on youtube is such a trip. You get the good stuff, like say, your current favorite band doing a cover of one of your most favorite songs by one of your favorite legends of all time...

...And then you get the really ridiculous stuff, say, Rain telling his 'babies' how much he loves them, which really brings me back to happy times in KL with Loic (laughing in sheer disbelief at what the hoards of screaming teenage girls were actually buying)...

...and then you get the silly, seemingly insignificant stuff, say, me and 'the Art Crew' (plus nina) dancing the OkGo dance on stage..

...and you remember why you loved film as a medium and the sheer accessibility of youtube in the first place...its ability to make us laugh, move us, make us remember times otherwise gone forever, influence millions across the globe, and most importantly allow the everyday youth be heard, and at the risk of being very very dramatic, it brings a tear to my eye and indeed makes me very proud to be part of this generation of passionate, brave, thinking people.

C'est tout.

Love and Mathematics, missing photos and playlists

2007-04-24T22:00:00.000-07:00

1.They say if you love something, let it go, and if it comes back, its yours.

Well, this one came back just when I thought he'd gone forever and heheee I haven't been in such a good mood for a very long time. =)

--------------------------------------------
2. WHERE HAVE ALL MY HOLGAS GONE???

I don't understand...first my digital photos, and now my printed, fully tangible holga photos (over 100 of them) are gone save for the ones I've stuck on my door.

I think I'm being sabotaged.

This is a holga shot of Nicole, her shadow, and my shadow at camp last year.

----------------------------------------------

3. School's started again! And this means exam results, gah. I..

I....

I....

I FAILED MATHS.

mmhmm, thats right. *nods* ah well, I don't care. Have a playlist.

Kim's Bouncin Groovin Bumpin and Grindin Back-to-school Playlist

Cupid's Chokehold - Gymclass Heroes
Refoc - Rodrigo y Gabriela
Unpredictable - The Herd (gets ANYONE dancing, I tell you)
Running - Arcade Fire (new album! and yes I know arcade fire isn't that dancable)
Good Excuse - John Butler Trio (ok, lets drop the dancing theme)
Me and my Woman - John Butler Trio
Rehab - Amy Winehouse
She's My Man - Scissor Sisters
Littlest Things - Lily Allen
Ruby - Kaiser Chiefs

La Boxe Idiot

2007-04-17T06:53:00.000-07:00

Everytime I turn on the TV, it blows my mind.

Not because of the things they want you and me to believe, or the things they expect us to care about ("The Controversy! The TALENT! Do NOT miss spending one whole hour of your precious time watching DANCING WITH THE STARS aka a bunch of has-beens prancing around!"), but the very nature of them doing it - the very fact that they're feeding you and me all this propaganda and bullshit 'issues' ("what type of shopper are you?" "suspicious asian restaraunts - could they be putting YOUR life in danger?") just fucks with my head constantly.

I switched on the television and a news report about how 33 uni students were murdered in the US came on. Pfffft, big deal.

Changed the channel, same thing.

Changed the channel again, same thing again.

WHO CARES. Fuck.

Of course its a tragedy, of course its never justified to take away another person's life, and of course once again Dubya is an asshole for not endorsing stricter gun control. But honestly now, is it really THAT worth getting people worked up over when 50,000 people die of poverty and hunger every day when at the same time others die of being too FAT? That tens of thousands of people in the western world just spent hundreds of dollars each on a ps3 they're better off without anyway, when a tiny fraction of that can send an entire village of kids in cambodia to school for a month?

(And since when does Tom Cruise's baby constitute as more newsworthy than civilian deaths in the middle east??)

Seriously though, does this perplex YOU, dear reader? Or are we all just happy to oo and aah along with whatever bullshit the news churns out next?

In Sociology we talk about social and cultural literacy, and one of the criteria for being a socially and culturally literate person is in showing critical discernment towards the media, that is, to evaluate and make judgements about what the tv and newspapers and internet tells you.

The next time you pick up a paper, or watch the news, or (god I hope you don't if you also read this blog) find yourself gasping at some celebrity's bum crack photos in a tabloid, ask yourself if you really want to fill your head with what's being thrown at you.

We don't all have to be victims of the idiot box.

Down the rabbit hole they go..

2007-04-07T04:57:00.000-07:00

Ladies and gents, this is a public announcement.

I WILL NEVER USE THOSE STUPID DIGITAL CAMERAS AGAIN.

ARGH.

I don't know if you've ever experienced it, but the pain from losing EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR PHOTOGRAPHS as a result of some stupid idiot of an I.T. person who forgot to back up your files when formatting the computer is...excruciatingly indescribably extreme, so painful that words cannot describe it. Seriously, I'd rather collapse in front of a hospital after donating 500mls of blood (yes its true, but more on that later). Blood can be replaced. Photos cannot.

I swear, the loss is so immense especially for someone for whom photographs play such an importance, its almost like losing a family member.

...Every single photo from the past 5 months! Photos from the thailand/malaysia vacation with my family! With the Rain Concert crew, and an extremely detailed photographic documentary of the concert-coordinating process! With all the wonderful people I met while travelling! The Priceless one of me, Loic and Alana in KL (as if that ephemeral experience would ever come again)!!

ALL GONE!

WHY?!!!!

!@#$%^&!@#$%^

Now all thats left of those oh-so priceless memories are pictures in my head and half-hearted journal entries that would never match up. How will I ever get my grandkids to believe me when I tell them tales of the holiday when grandma was only 17 she worked as a translator for Rain because she could speak so many languages and also fell for the most adorable french-speaking Swiss waiter she met thanks to her accidentally spilling beer on him while having dinner with her dear friend who juuust so happened to be visiting KL from Australia for 3 nights only, and then ending up having the craziest 3 weeks of her life??

They will go, "yeah right, as if grandma! if it really happened, show me photos!"

...And I will have nothing, and they will think grandma is a total BS artist. SEE! If I'd used film, this would not have happened...I thought my Holga was too precious to lug around and I didn't want the hassle of being teased/questioned about my 'toy' camera ( how many mega pixels? why don't you get a real camera? does it squirt water??), thus leaving it at home all the time.

Ok everyone, this is where YOU come in. I beg of you with my utmost sincerity, especially if I converse with you over msn/exchange pictures with you regularly, if you have ANY photo at all of mine that I've ever sent to you (especially the one of me, loic and alana), or perhaps alternatively if you happen to have been secretly stalking me and hacking into my computer, stealing my private pictures (I really don't mind, I just want my friggin photos) would you PLEASE PLEASE be so kind as to email them to me at lowjeanhee@gmail.com? Slim chance, I know, but you don't know how much it would mean to me (and my sanity) to get something, anything back.

The moral of the story? No matter how you look at it, film photography is still the way to go. Not only does digital take away the skill and prestige that comes with photographic technique (quite a spot of bother for me and other traditionalists), priceless memories can be gone just like *that*.

Now send me my photos.

Morning Yearning

2007-03-29T22:18:00.000-07:00

Soooo its major exams season. I sat for english and maths last week, and i can honestly say for the first time that I did way better in english than in maths. Not that you care.

Yesterday morning I got up at 4 am, thanks to my 7pm bedtime the night before (body clock is fucked cos of exams). The air was chilly, autumn's just kicked in over the weekend and the change in weather couldn't be any more welcome. I hate heat. At about 5.30 I watched the sunrise in my backyard...the autumn sun is truly magical.

Its one of those rare days when you wake up and realise the rest of the world is still asleep, you have everything to yourself and no one's bother you for another 3 hours...and so you take photos of yourself. =P

The rest of the day was just as good, I haven't been in such high spirits in ages. Went up to the mountains to see darv, dear darv initially just for coffee, but he ended up giving me all his sociology notes from last year which shall no doubt be my saving grace for monday's exam...he is THE best guitarist. aaah.

As if things couldn't get any better, his momma (a most respectable lady) gave me a ticket for an upcoming concert featuring THE HERD!!!!! and made us passionfruit pancakes, practically forcing me to eat more thank I could by continuously dumping one after the other on my plate before I'd even finished the one before...
...ah. Love days like that.

Anywho its off to work, wish me luck, I'm screwed through and through for these exams.

One Big Whinge

2007-03-25T23:59:00.000-07:00

At several points in a person's life, everything about them, from their views to their priorities to the way they project themselves changes. At least for me anyway. I guess you'd call it growing older, whatever, I've grown so uncomfortable and just so incredibly BORED in my environment that nothing, and I mean, NOTHING stimulates me anymore.

This is gona make me sound so so so up myself but I've moved beyond everything around me: doing schoolwork, being surrounded by teenage kids with their stupid little problems, studying for stupid exams that are no measure whatsoever of my intellect....its all bullshit.

The past few weeks especially have been sooo emotionally tumultuous, I swear, its like the never ending PMS. I've been the biggest bitch, being critical and getting annoyed at and snapping at everyone...and worst of all, I've meant it.

I just don't give a shit anymore.

Like my Gerard my French teacher says, I haven't quite "landed" after having had such an awesome time abroad, and like it or not I don't think I'd ever fully settle down again.

I know, I know, I sound like the most horrible person. My heart's just not in the right place, ya know?

And its so hard trying to fit back into an insipidly ho-hum life of academia when your priorities as you know it have shifted for the long run, on one hand it looks so simple seeing as to how I only have what, 7 months left? But you have no idea how hard it is to put into practice for a dromomaniac like me...I'm constantly dreeaaaming about the things that happened; its all so exciting in comparison, its LIFE really, whereas going to the same old school with the same old people (who I don't like, thank you very much) and doing the same old subjects makes me want to YELL MY LUNGS OUT EVERY EFFING SECOND.

Seriously, I have anger management issues.

The worst part? All this being mean and critical is coming right back at me like a ton of bricks. I know I deserve it but it gives me more of a reason to be pissed off, and so in the end I'm just this really angry unsettled bored annoyed brat.

I guess what I'm saying is this just doesn't do it for me anymore?

So I'm rethinking the New Caledonia trip in July, because I know that I'll have an awesome time, and oh I duno, I'll probably meet another guy to pine over (I'm still finding it really really hard to stop thinking about the holiday fling) making it another distraction from the task at hand that is the friggin HSC....oh but it'll be so so worth it!

So, I duno, you tell me. Whats a girl to do?

coloursplash!

2007-03-16T08:03:00.000-07:00

So, since my life is so mundane I shall blog about photography. (Not really, I'm just swamped with assignments and 1/2 yearlies coming up in a week...)

Recently I bought the Coloursplash Flash from the Just Shoot Lomo shop in Paddington, a shopping haven in the heart of sydney...

..it can be used both as hotshoe AND hand held! Cost me $66 in AUD but t'was well worthit . It comes with 12 different colour filters, just rotate the knob on the side and pick whatever colour you want, charge the flash and when the red light comes on, POP!

These pics were taken in my backyard at night when it was pitchblack, using our Canon S2 IS with 15 second exposures. Enjoy =)

With lomography, who the f*** needs photoshop?

J'en ai mare de ma vie

2007-03-10T04:16:00.000-08:00

Un jour on se balladera
dans la ville encore
sans un seul souci dans l'entier monde

on sera dans une belle paye etrange
avec un vrai sourire sur le visage
et un coeur qui sera en paix
avec un raison d'etre encore une fois

quoi qu'il en soit
tout sera parfait avec toi
ma chere evasion

mais maintenant c'est loin de la
alors jusqu'a la
je te garde dans un coin de mon esprit....

...mais mon esprit, il devient un cercle, et
comme on sait
un cercle, ne se reste pas

aucun de coins.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Having to choose between survival and ethics is a trap most people fall into.

Be it a choice like choosing to stay loyal to those close to us, or choosing to eat meat or not, its so much easier to take the easier way out, to do whatever's most beneficial for the self. For me, the choice is always simple. Ethics. We as humans are blessed with a higher order of thinking for a true and solid reason, and as such should stay true to what we know is right.

No socially literate person likes to fight over little things.

At least I don't, anyway. In fact I don't really like fighting over big things either; I've learnt to just cop it, hold it in and in the mean time find something to distract me and let things blow over.

But then all the little things build up, and you realise that in your bid to be diplomatic and neutral, they've started to think that you're selfish and heartless just because you don't report to everyone about the right things you DO do. But thats not the reason for doing these things in the first place!

And so you reach a point where every little thing that goes wrong pisses you off majorly every damn day, but all you can do is throw little fits or cry or break stuff or get away from it all, and they think you're being immature and cantankerous for no reason.

And in the midst of it all you really need to talk to someone about it but no one really can say that they understand so there's no point. I shouldn't have to be dealing with all this, not now anyway. I want out.

They say running away is a cowardly thing to do, but really, its not all that necessary to prove all the time how brave you are either.

argh, I know this is all very vague but really, just tell me a joke, or make me laugh, whatever, remind me that in a few months it'll all be over and its worth the bullshit.

Ode to Trainspotting

2007-03-04T17:36:00.000-08:00

"Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers... choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mindnumbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, ****ed-up brats you spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose Life ...

But why would I want to do a thing like that?"

I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who need reasons when you've got heroin? "

Ah, wise words of Irvine Welsh. Ignoring the fact that he's endorsing addiction, I choose to interpret this as something intended to inspire individuality.

Looking back on everything thats happened in the past year and look at how many times I've "found a path in life" (whatever the fuck that means), been absolutely sure that that's the direction I want to go in, only to find something else of much more interest and worth investing in, I find myself disillusioned by the generic, middle class life formula - Go to so-and-so school, get good grades, pick the uni course you've always known you'd pick, get a respected job, find a good and faithful husband, have bright and beautiful kids like the ones in the McDonalds ads, raise them well, retire, die.

I say fuck that.

There is always, ALWAYS a choice regardless of what other people say, and I've chosen to take the path less travelled by. Interestingly enough, my dad's always recited that Frost poem to me, yet he himself is quite a conformist of sorts. Hmmmm.

*ponders*

Oh hush, I can just hear you thinking, "my, isn't she a naive one." Honestly? I've thought about it so much that any attempt to justify it would be a waste of my effort.

My occurence, or my "moment of epiphany" I guess is what you could call it, came thanks to one of my favorite people I met during the last trip back to KL, while I was working as a translator for the Rain concert. That whole week was the most hectic and overwhelming time I'd ever had as a form of work...the experiences and the people I met! Priceless, I tell you.

One night over some beer and great conversation, with him trying his darnedest to understand as to why I was feeling so much pressure to go to uni in one of the countless bars/clubs I'd visited over those crazy, crazy seven days, he pretty much summed it up,

"You're so busy thinking about the future that you forget to live in the present..."

...and I was rendered speechless. If we were in a movie, a fountain would've shot up and lights would've shone, a la Cher's revelation in Clueless (I love that film).

But yes, I guess the whole point of this (assuming that you, like me are young and dissatisfied) is to say that this applies to everyone. Its not your parents' life, not your teachers', but your own. You can either listen to the experienced words of others, take the safe route and forever wonder what could've been...or take the risks, forge your own path and never regret a moment of it.

But hey, don't take my word for it. I'm just a girl who chose to skip school on a Monday because she didn't feel like it. =)

Closer

2007-03-04T00:05:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered what its like to be a jazz musician?

Strange question I know, but I'd love to be one...all those melodies that ooze with character and sincerity, pure and simple (and at times cringe-worthy) yet somehow perfectly appropriate lyrics; the perfect balance between lyric and song...Alas, I'd give anything to be able to craft music so austerely enjoyable.

(Yes, I do play a bit of jazz piano, but I can only go so far as to imitate the greats and perhaps improvise a bit here and there.)

But more than anything, jazz makes people dream. Because its so believable and sincere in its outward simplicity, jazz has that ability to fly us away from the ho hum numb and dumbness of everyday reality that is, quite frankly, an annoying little bitch, leaving us instead with a little aftertaste of heaven and that minute glint of hope...

...and why is she writing about jazz? Oh I don't know, because its so much nicer to write about than, say, the fact that Australia has once again turned away a group of Sri Lankan refugees. I COULD talk about the heavy stuff, but even the most idealistic ones like myself get a little disillusioned sometimes.

..or it could just be me and this not-exactly-here state of mind I can't seem to get out of? I've been listening to nothing but jazz non stop for the past couple of days and more than ever, my head's been way up in the clouds as I listen to songs about flying to the moon, popsicle toes, the skies above being blue at last and hearts wrapped in clover....

Try it. =)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today's been different though, instead of daydreaming my increasingly precious time away, I've done the opposite. I can honestly say its been the first time I've actually sat down and focused on bringing my PIP (personal interest project for sociology) together...6 straight hours of research and annotating!

In case you were wondering and I haven't told you already, its based on (what else??) the Malaysian political system and what it means for Malaysians of the 21st century.

One Asian Studies Award at the end of the year coming up. =)

Matter of fact, its the first time I've ever really sat down and done work since I got back in the country; my heart is elsewhere and I doubt its coming back anytime soon. Call it chronic traveller's syndrome if you must, I guess something small but crucial changed in the past couple of months...I've just had enough of sydney, full stop.

Time to move on? Just about.

Aaaanyway, photos galore! I've been experimenting with double exposures and strong hues for my art and photography major works; these are the results. The double exposures were achieved with just a normal digital camera, 5 second exposures, a pitch black bathroom and a flashlight...I guess using the Holga's made me learn to embrace the accident, just as Pollock denied it. =)

And here's my favorite of my cousin beating himself up:

Word of the day: Sycophant - A person who seeks favor by flattering people of wealth or influence.

What an awesome word! I learned it from my math teacher Phil...now HE'S a genius.

Partir c'est mourir un peu...

2007-03-03T07:32:00.000-08:00

WELL then.

Hello all =)

It feels great to be blogging again....well ok no, not exactly GREAT, but it does feel rather nice to have somewhere to gather my thoughts before they sail off again into the sunset.

If you've arrived here by means other than me giving you this link, then allow me to introduce myself: I am no other than Kimberley Low Jean-Hee, student, photographer, waitress, polyglot, translator, globetrotter...and formerly ClosetGroupie of www.closetgroupie.blogspot.com.

What do I look like?

By the way, skip to the last paragraph if you didn't used to read closetgroupie.

The reasons as to why I chose to close down closetgroupie are numerous and complex, perhaps a bit more than a blog deserves, but to put it in a nutshell I felt that I'd gone through major shifts in terms of both expressing myself through writing and life stages (I can now soundly say that stage 1 is over and out), and the paths I've decided to take no longer accorded with the character I'd come to embody in the old blog.

So new blog, and new alter ego it is! I guess Miss Pedantic will be a bit more of a toned down, less whiny, bit wiser version of Closet Groupie. In case you were wondering about the title, "Une femme peut en cacher une autre", it vaguely translates into english as "A girl can hide another". This is of course figurative; in essence it means that there is always more than meets the eye...

...Am I boring you...?

Oops, I've forgotten how to blog. I AM feeling rather inhibited tonight.

No matter, it shall return to me in no time. Meanwhile I shall leave you with an itemised list of what La Kim has been up to lately:-

For those of you Malaysians who missed me, I'd just been to Malaysia and back during which I'd learned to drive like a Malaysian, made stupid shisha smoking videos, almost went on the Eye on Malaysia, met (and snubbed) none other than Mr hunky dory korean himself Rain (I worked as a translator for him and crew...jealous? =D), and most importantly, met some lovely people whom I'd never had met had I not taken some incredible chances, and now keep very close to my heart.

I am FINALLY sitting for my P license next week after nearly an entire year of being eligible. Malaysian driving did me good. =)

I've just made plans for more travel! I'm going to New Caledonia in July for a week as part of my bid to speak fluent French, so far my 5th and most arduous language. Current fluency status:? Halting and clumsy. Pas bien.

...and you can never have too much travel. After my HSC exams which end somewhere near the end of November, I shall trot on over to none other than (one of) the motherland...South Korea! I shall, of course, stop by Malaysia en route, but shall be spending at least 3 months in Seoul teaching English and brushing up on my Korean. And after I earn squillions of dollars doing that, I shall blow my cash travelling South America and perhaps stopping by Switzerland for ski and France for, well, France!

All that jetlag and bad airplane food, I simply cannot wait. But 8 months of sheer torture that is preparation for the HSC....but no matter! I shall get a UAI of at least 92..you just wait and see.

Anyway that is all from me tonight, if you've gotten this far, DO drop me a comment just so I know who's reading.

A bientot =)