S.M.

Living with the thought of someone from the past whom you're so accustomed to being taken care of still constantly in your head, is like being stuck with a shadow that doesn't belong to you - It shouldn't be there but it doesn't go away, and because it's so natural you sometimes don't even notice it.

It's as if everywhere I go you're right behind, every song I hear, every film I see, everything I eat, there's an emptiness that makes me wish over and over again that you were here to do all these things with me to make them complete, tangible, connected to real emotions to make them proper memories...but you're not, and that's the difference. Every boy I want to love doesn't compare - I can almost see you smirking, and it frustrates me all the more because we both know we're not meant for anyone else.

Did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
How I wish, how I wish you were here
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year

Running over the same old ground...What have you found?
The same old fear
How I wish you were here.
How I wish you were here.

But honestly, if I had a choice, I'd chose to forget you.

I want to blog, but there is too much I can't say.

Everything I do is to keep myself distracted. I photograph, work, play piano, read, go shopping, photograph some more...anything I can to not have to deal with What I Found Out.

What is time? Time is a way to measure and organise sequence of events. I did this before that at this o' clock. That's all it is. Someone a long time ago constructed the idea of time, and someone a long time ahead can denounce it. Just like that.

When you stop caring about anything constructed by man, only a few things ever matter. Everyday you see people caring about the silly things, the worthless things, and you wonder how they do it.

I keep asking myself, is it better to know nothing and happy, or to know that you know nothing, and be dissatisfied?

I've chosen the latter, but I don't know if it was such a good idea after all.

Bonjour, tristesse.

Korean boarders can kiss my ass

I don't know about everybody else, but I love being alone. I need my indepedence and my own space, and love doing things that don't need other people's participation like playing the piano, reading, taking photos, going to art galleries....it's probably one of the things I miss most about being in Sydney.

Over there its so easy to just take a train to Circular Quay and take photos, or spend a whole day at the MCA without being bothered by anyone, no one rings you over and over again on the phone asking where you are, no whiny little kids tag along with you everywhere you go...here its the total opposite - we have two boarders staying in MY room sleeping in MY bed eating MY food drinking MY bloody coffee watching tv in MY living room so I never can practice piano. My stuff is all over the house, in bags and in suitcases because THE STUPID BRATS FILLED UP MY CLOSETS AND SHELVES WITH THEIR STUFF!

As if that's not bad enough, they're always taking showers so there's never any hot water left, they don't even ASK my family if we want coffee when they happily make it for themselves, at meals they don't bloody help with anything, they don't set the tables, don't pour the water, don't get the rice, just bloody sit down and wait for our maid to serve them as if she's their bloody slave, they never unlock the toilet door when they're done, they don't do their own bloody laundry, and they don't even fucking offer to pay when we take them out for meals...

..but the worst is yet to come - one of their mum's is here to visit, she didn't bring any presents, nor did she have the fucking decency to ask us if she COULD come to visit...oh, and they don't even pay board. My mum agreed to let them stay cos one of their dads is a friend of my mum's, and the initial agreement was that they'd stay til the beginning of January, and while I don't mind not having my own room for a few weeks, its bloody February now and they still haven't left....

They want to stay til March.

Fucking freeloaders. I don't like to swear and I don't like to say mean things in public but this is well justified - they're in their late twenties and they're acting like 15 year olds...at least then I'd understand, but I'm ten years younger and even I'm disgusted. Brats.

Hey everyone,

I'm back!!!! Missed me???

*crickets chirping, tumbleweed rolls past*

Not that anyone reads this anymore, but I decided its time I get some of my thoughts down in writing because all this vacationing and mamaking and shishaing is turning my brain to slush - its at the point where I can't even sleep anymore.

Anywho, as I write, everything's kinda surreal. I've been writing to the UN, trying to get them to give me an internship, but it appears that UNAM, the local branch of it, is next to dormant. I'd considered contacting Amnesty International Malaysia, with whom I'd get a job for sure because of my experience with AI in oz, but then decided not to because do I really want to spend another year writing letters and working with hippies trying to change the world but have no idea how to do it?

No. I love and support Amnesty and always will, but don't really think I wana tie myself down to it.

So then completely randomly, this morning I got a call from some company (I have no idea what it is) who wants to pay me RM2K to be their HR Administrator, which is just stupid since I have no experience in it whatsoever.

They wanted my resume by this afternoon, but then I thought "Oh dammit but I really want to work at KLue," because, well, I really wana work at KLue. I started reading it since issue 28, and its at like issue 111 now...thats commitment baby.

I even rang them and everything about positions available and they still said there were some so I thought, hey, why not, I'll send my resume to BOTH KLue and stupid RM2k company and see what happens, and that was about 20 minutes ago, so I guess we'll just have to see what happens =)